Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Roasted Tomato Bruschetta
4 ripe "tomatoes on the vine"
2 cloves garlic
2 slices red onion (1/2" thick)
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 teaspoon salt, divided use
1/4 teaspoon garlic salt
1/8 teaspoon oregano
1/4 cup balsamic vinaigrette
2 tablespoons olive oil, plus extra for brushing
1 loaf good, crusty bread, sliced.
8 oz Mozzarella cheese
Fire up grill. If using charcoal, build a pyramid of coals and let burn for 15 minutes, until you can hold your hand over the fire for a count of "4 mississippis," then spread into single layer. If gas, set at 350.
Core tomatoes using carrot scraper, and lightly "mush" the insides. Cut garlic cloves in half. Sprinkle 1/4 tsp basil and 1/8 tsp salt into each tomato, then insert 1/2 clove. Skewer onion slices to keep together, brush both sides with olive oil and season with garlic salt and oregano on one side only. lightly coat bottoms of tomatoes with olive oil as well. Brush one side of each bread slice with olive oil.
Place onions spice side up on hottest part of flame. Place tomatoes oil-side-down around edges of grill. Close lid, and cook for about 7-10 minutes, or until onions have clear grill marks and are softening, and tomatoes are sizzling. Flip onions over to sear spice side, and cook until tomatoes begin to crack in their skin and are soft to the touch (3-5 minutes). Remove all from grill, and place bread, oil side down, onto grill to toast.
Chop onions and 3 of the tomatoes and place in a bowl. Place other tomato and 1/2 teaspoon salt into blender and pulse lightly. Add to bowl. Pour balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil into blender, and run at high speed for about 10 seconds (you will see it just begin to "fluff"). Add to mixture in bowl and serve warm with toasted bread and sliced mozzarella.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Steroids: Enough Already!
News just came out that David Ortiz is on the list of 104 players that tested positive for banned substances in 2003. We are supposed to be shocked and appalled, again, but the truth is, this constant leaking of the list is rapidly becoming a chinese water torture. Every month or so, another name "leaks." If it is really that easy for the names to get out, why not just publish the whole list? Or better yet, let's just drop the whole damn subject. Yes, it's cheating. I get that, and understand that we are all supposed to be upset because of the "integrity" of the game. But really, let's take a look at that "integrity."
Webster's defines integrity thusly: "A firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values." So then, what is the integrity of baseball? If we assume that a moral code develops within a given group based on the standards of that particular community, we can define the integrity of that group based upon its history. And baseball's history tells us a lot about exactly how outraged we should be by these "cheaters."
Just Win, Baby
Ty Cobb was elected into the Hall of Fame by one of the largest margins ever recorded, eclipsing even Babe Ruth in that category. This from a man who sharpened his spikes so that when he slid into second, he could slide with his spikes high and stab the person covering the base. Needless to say, his stolen base records stood for a long time. Was this against the rules? It was just as much against the rules as performance enhancing drugs (PED) were before 2004. He also was a known gambler, called before the Commissioner for "fixing games," who was let off because he threatened to reveal others involved and the depth of corruption. In other words, he had his own list, and rather than let him reveal them slowly in an early precedent to today's scandals, baseball ignored it! Sound familiar? (As a sidenote, he also was one of the most infamous racists in baseball, beat up and stabbed a black porter in a hotel, refused to go to Cuba because he wouldn't play against "darkies," and fought an umpire under the stands after an argument about strikes. The fight had to be broken up after Cobb began strangling the umpire in an attempt to kill him.) But Cobb represents the "good old days," so let's just ignore all of that.
The Miracle at Coogan's Bluff
The year is 1951. The date: August 11th. The New York Giants trail the Dodgers by 13 1/2 games in the race for the pennant, when suddenly, they start to win. The late summer and early fall become one of the most electrifying pennant races in baseball history, as the Giants win 37 of their last 44 to force a playoff with the Dodgers. The teams split the first two games, so it came down to one game for all the marbles. The Dodgers led 4-1 going into the bottom of the ninth, when Alvin Dark singled, Mueller singled, Lockman doubled, and then Bobby Thomson knocked a liner over the left field wall for "the shot heard round the world." Amazing, real baseball. The kind of thing you look back on and say, "THAT is what it should be about. A team coming together to win it all." There's just one problem: The Giants were cheating.
Starting in July of that year,Herman Franks would sit in Durocher's office in centerfield with a telescope, and steal the signs of the opposing catcher, use a buzzer to signal the pitch to the bullpen, where players would signal the batter. After this practice started, Thomson's average went up by 100 points! Technically, sign stealing is not illegal; however, the use of technology to do so is, and was at the time. Of course, technically, PEDs were not illegal in 2003. But by cheating, we were given one of the most famous plays in baseball. Just brush the sign-stealing under the rug. Ignore it.
Baseball Goes Green
When Hall of Famer Ralph Kiner returned from WWII to the Pirates, he discovered that the trainer had, readily available, the same "greenies" used by GIs in the war to get an extra burst of energy. Often, before the second game of a double-header, trainers would hand out greenies to the players to give them the energy to perform. "All the trainers in all the ballparks had them," Kiner said. This was in the 1940s! All the way through the seventies, many teams would have two coffee pots in the locker room, with one labelled "hot," meaning that it had amphetamines dissolved in it for an extra kick. Realistically speaking, if it is true that every locker room had this, and every trainer had a "candy bowl" of greenies available, how can we look back on the records of Dimaggio, Williams, Mays, Maz, Yaz, and everyone else from that era without the same lingering question marks? How can we look at Roger Maris, suddenly out of nowhere hitting better than the Mick, without questioning it? If we are going to question PEDs of all types, the questioning has to go all the way back. So why doesn't it? Because, when it came to the use of amphetamines, baseball and all of its fans decided to ignore it.
Blind? Or Just Didn't Care?
1998. Baseball had come out of a season-ending strike, and fans had moved on to other things, other sports. Attendance and TV ratings were down. There was talk that even hockey was going to pass baseball in fan interest, moving into the "Big Three" of American sports. But then Mark Mcgwire starting hitting home runs. In May, Sammy Sosa caught fire, hitting 20 home runs in one month, and the race was on. It became a huge spectacle for a variety of reasons, not least of which being that one was a Cub, the other a Cardinal. So when someone saw the Andro in Mcgwire's locker, it was a big deal, right? No. Because we were all just enjoying the race so much, and we told ourselves, "hey, it's not against the rules." Sosa was later caught with a corked bat. We didn't try to change the records from that year. No, we were so happy to have good baseball stories, we all, baseball and its fans, chose to ignore it.
2003 and Beyond
In 2003, MLB started a program of random, anonymous drug testing, an agreement reached with the MLBPA to examine if a stricter drug policy were needed. The players were informed that it would be anonymous. 104 players tested positive for some form of PED, so baseball initiated a formal policy. Of course, MLB didn't keep the tests anonymous, as they promised (THAT'S integrity), so now we are subjected to the slow torture of these revelations. But let's face the facts: We don't really care. We are TOTALLY willing to ignore it, just as we have everything else, including the above examples, Gaylord Perry's spitballs, Joe Niekro's emery board, and many other examples from the "code of moral ... values" established within the sport.
After all, as a wise man once said, "Your standards are defined by what you choose to ignore."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
From Here On Out
So I've decided to change what this blog is all about. From here on out, it shall be recipes and sports, for men. The recipes will all be man-type recipes that will help to impress a woman, using tools men have handy. No foie gras here. So, let's have some fun!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
2009 Baseball - National League
Ah, the National League. Bastard son of the regular season. Low scores, less hitting, more defense, the hit and run. This promises to be an intriguing show on the non-DH side of the game, as there are fewer clear-cut winners. This whole league will be a battle to the end, but not to worry, I'm here to go out on a limb for you, both of my loyal readers.
NL West: The battle for worst regular season record to make the playoffs begins and ends here. You can't throw a quarter without hitting a team that could win this division by being two games over .500. The Dodgers had a 19-24 record in 1-run games, managed to lose most of their starting pitching, have so far failed to sign Manny Ramirez, but hey, Jason Schmidt is back for a third year. Maybe he can go for two wins this time. Love you, Joe, but you guys are the 2008 Padres. Speaking of which, how dedicated do you think Peavy is right now? The Fathers had 99 losses in '08, and then proceeded to get worse. Best indicators: 16-28 (2nd worst in the majors) in 1-run games, and then for defense, traded Khalil Greene for Mark Worrell, leaving them with a defensive platoon of Luis Rodriguez and Everth Cabrera at short. Hello, ground ball pitching staff. Enjoy that one. Rockies continue to spiral downward, trading Matt Holliday away and leaving big questions at center, left and closer. This looks like a bad offensive line-up, which is saying something when you play 81 games in Denver. The Giants are making a lot of noise in the offseason, but then not actually signing any of the guys they clamor for. Think of them as the guy that drives up bidding at an auction, and then leaves empty-handed. Pablo Sandoval was inpressive towards the end of last season, so watch for good production from him, but a team that ranked 15th out of 16 teams in walks will not get over the hump, even if Barry Zito remembers how to pitch. The one positive sign is that the Giants were 31-21 in one-run games, but that is more a reflection of pitching than anything else. Watch for that number to reverse if they don't figure out how to get on base, or suddenly sign Manny. The Diamondbacks are the most compelling team. Still the best starting rotation in baseball. Last year's team ERA was a 3.98, and this year we'll see a lot more of Max Scherzer, who had 66 strikeouts in 56 games last year. Some of the young guys are starting to come into their own, and with another year to grow up, maybe they don't collapse under the pressure of a tight race, and play more like professionals. Maybe Jon Rauch will pitch more like he did in Washinton, avoiding the 6.56 ERA, which might give them the two wins they need to beat LA. Winner: Diamondbacks.
NL Central: Wow, I can really spend a lot of time breaking down the Pirates. HAHAHAAA! Whew, that was a good one. The Pirates were a slim pick last season, and the only thing that got fatter this year is Pedro Alvarez. The only hope there is if he took in some of Mo Vaughn's skills when he ate him during the off-season. The Brew Crew lost two starters, and are now anchoring their rotation with Jeff Suppan, Dave Bush and Chris Capuano. Now, with the hitters they have in their line-up, they could surprise, but I wouldn't count on it. Watch for them to be more like the Brewers we all love: Stomped. Oh, and as a side note, F-You, Selig. Everyone seems to forget that the Astros made a pretty strong run last season. However, they do that a lot. They also depleted their farm system, failed in their bid to get Randy Wolf, and signed Aaron Bleepin' Boone. From watching their hitters last year, we can all agree on one thing: None of these guys is using steroids. Their starting catcher finished the season batting .137. I think I might be able to do that. The Reds are improving methodically, at least on paper. Trouble is, Dusty Baker doesn't believe in what shows up on paper. So he'll run Taveras out at lead-off so he can strike out all season long, get nobody on base, run his pitchers into the ground, finish last, and go back to broadcasting. Remember folks, you heard it here first: 1-and-done for Dusty. The Cardinals will contend, because they are the Cards, and it's what they do. They have a great farm system, Dave Duncan handles pitchers incredibly well, a problem with too many potential closers, and oh yeah, the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols. Maybe Chris Carpenter stops being Kevin Brown (20 1/3 innings at $19 million), and they can contend the whole season. Saving the best for last: The Cubs. Oh, you lovable losers. The Cubbies should have the easiest road in the Majors to the post-season. They added Milton Bradley to give a little more left-handed power, finally cut ties with Kerry Wood, still have D-Lee and Ramirez, can still trot out a hellacious rotation, and now look to Kevin Gregg to close. NOTHING stand in these guys way. Except that they are the Cubs. I'm setting the over/under on Rich Harden's first injury as April 7th. Who's in? Winner: Cubs.
NL East: Say what you will about the East, it is the only division with a sure thing: The Nats will finish last. They will be the worst team in baseball. Jim Bowden has made Bill Bavasi look like Theo Epstein this year. Picked up Daniel Cabrera, Scott Olson and Josh Willingham. Your team loses 102 games and the only competition you have in spring training is between Ronnie Belliard and Anderson Hernandez at second base? 20-29 in one-run games, so make Joel Hanrahan (who?) your closer? I'd love to read the long-term plan here. Probably reads like Ulysses: incomprehensible. The Braves missed out on most of their big off-season goals, but can still put a competitive rotation on the field. Unfortunately, the team that scores more runs wins 100% of the games, and unless 37-year-old Chipper "The Entire Offense" Jones can manufacture an additional 40 runs this year, they will not compete. The Marlins have a lot of young talent, but none of them are settled in a position except for Hanley Ramirez. I imagine the line-up being decided daily by a game of musical chairs, to the tune of "At least we aren't the Nationals." Jefrey Loria probably has the same kind of plan he had in Montreal: Build up young players for cheap, never sign anyone to a long-term deal, and then bitch about losing money. See you next year, Florida. Maybe. The Phillies are the defending World Champions, but gave up Pat Burrell and signed Raul Ibanez. Ibanez had a dismal year in Seattle in '08; then, so did everyone. Perhaps he rebounds. Hamels is still the best young pitcher in the NL (sorry, Lincecum), Jamie Moyer is still evidently alive, so they can still trot out a decent rotation, but it's difficult to repeat in MLB, and even more so as an NL team. Trouble here: Most of their guys got that long-term deal reward, so the only guy playing for a contract is Brett Myers. Then we have the Mets. This team does more choking than a Chuck Pahlaniuk novel. But here's the thing about the Mets: If all games ended after 7 innings, they would have won more than 100. This year, they picked up J.J. Putz and K-Rod. In effect, most games will be over after the seventh inning this year. The starters are solid (Santana raising the average to almost brilliant), the offense is good, the defense is there, and now they have a bullpen. If they can keep their hands from around their throats when Philly makes a run, they're in. Winner: Mets. Wild Card: Phillies.
NL West: The battle for worst regular season record to make the playoffs begins and ends here. You can't throw a quarter without hitting a team that could win this division by being two games over .500. The Dodgers had a 19-24 record in 1-run games, managed to lose most of their starting pitching, have so far failed to sign Manny Ramirez, but hey, Jason Schmidt is back for a third year. Maybe he can go for two wins this time. Love you, Joe, but you guys are the 2008 Padres. Speaking of which, how dedicated do you think Peavy is right now? The Fathers had 99 losses in '08, and then proceeded to get worse. Best indicators: 16-28 (2nd worst in the majors) in 1-run games, and then for defense, traded Khalil Greene for Mark Worrell, leaving them with a defensive platoon of Luis Rodriguez and Everth Cabrera at short. Hello, ground ball pitching staff. Enjoy that one. Rockies continue to spiral downward, trading Matt Holliday away and leaving big questions at center, left and closer. This looks like a bad offensive line-up, which is saying something when you play 81 games in Denver. The Giants are making a lot of noise in the offseason, but then not actually signing any of the guys they clamor for. Think of them as the guy that drives up bidding at an auction, and then leaves empty-handed. Pablo Sandoval was inpressive towards the end of last season, so watch for good production from him, but a team that ranked 15th out of 16 teams in walks will not get over the hump, even if Barry Zito remembers how to pitch. The one positive sign is that the Giants were 31-21 in one-run games, but that is more a reflection of pitching than anything else. Watch for that number to reverse if they don't figure out how to get on base, or suddenly sign Manny. The Diamondbacks are the most compelling team. Still the best starting rotation in baseball. Last year's team ERA was a 3.98, and this year we'll see a lot more of Max Scherzer, who had 66 strikeouts in 56 games last year. Some of the young guys are starting to come into their own, and with another year to grow up, maybe they don't collapse under the pressure of a tight race, and play more like professionals. Maybe Jon Rauch will pitch more like he did in Washinton, avoiding the 6.56 ERA, which might give them the two wins they need to beat LA. Winner: Diamondbacks.
NL Central: Wow, I can really spend a lot of time breaking down the Pirates. HAHAHAAA! Whew, that was a good one. The Pirates were a slim pick last season, and the only thing that got fatter this year is Pedro Alvarez. The only hope there is if he took in some of Mo Vaughn's skills when he ate him during the off-season. The Brew Crew lost two starters, and are now anchoring their rotation with Jeff Suppan, Dave Bush and Chris Capuano. Now, with the hitters they have in their line-up, they could surprise, but I wouldn't count on it. Watch for them to be more like the Brewers we all love: Stomped. Oh, and as a side note, F-You, Selig. Everyone seems to forget that the Astros made a pretty strong run last season. However, they do that a lot. They also depleted their farm system, failed in their bid to get Randy Wolf, and signed Aaron Bleepin' Boone. From watching their hitters last year, we can all agree on one thing: None of these guys is using steroids. Their starting catcher finished the season batting .137. I think I might be able to do that. The Reds are improving methodically, at least on paper. Trouble is, Dusty Baker doesn't believe in what shows up on paper. So he'll run Taveras out at lead-off so he can strike out all season long, get nobody on base, run his pitchers into the ground, finish last, and go back to broadcasting. Remember folks, you heard it here first: 1-and-done for Dusty. The Cardinals will contend, because they are the Cards, and it's what they do. They have a great farm system, Dave Duncan handles pitchers incredibly well, a problem with too many potential closers, and oh yeah, the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols. Maybe Chris Carpenter stops being Kevin Brown (20 1/3 innings at $19 million), and they can contend the whole season. Saving the best for last: The Cubs. Oh, you lovable losers. The Cubbies should have the easiest road in the Majors to the post-season. They added Milton Bradley to give a little more left-handed power, finally cut ties with Kerry Wood, still have D-Lee and Ramirez, can still trot out a hellacious rotation, and now look to Kevin Gregg to close. NOTHING stand in these guys way. Except that they are the Cubs. I'm setting the over/under on Rich Harden's first injury as April 7th. Who's in? Winner: Cubs.
NL East: Say what you will about the East, it is the only division with a sure thing: The Nats will finish last. They will be the worst team in baseball. Jim Bowden has made Bill Bavasi look like Theo Epstein this year. Picked up Daniel Cabrera, Scott Olson and Josh Willingham. Your team loses 102 games and the only competition you have in spring training is between Ronnie Belliard and Anderson Hernandez at second base? 20-29 in one-run games, so make Joel Hanrahan (who?) your closer? I'd love to read the long-term plan here. Probably reads like Ulysses: incomprehensible. The Braves missed out on most of their big off-season goals, but can still put a competitive rotation on the field. Unfortunately, the team that scores more runs wins 100% of the games, and unless 37-year-old Chipper "The Entire Offense" Jones can manufacture an additional 40 runs this year, they will not compete. The Marlins have a lot of young talent, but none of them are settled in a position except for Hanley Ramirez. I imagine the line-up being decided daily by a game of musical chairs, to the tune of "At least we aren't the Nationals." Jefrey Loria probably has the same kind of plan he had in Montreal: Build up young players for cheap, never sign anyone to a long-term deal, and then bitch about losing money. See you next year, Florida. Maybe. The Phillies are the defending World Champions, but gave up Pat Burrell and signed Raul Ibanez. Ibanez had a dismal year in Seattle in '08; then, so did everyone. Perhaps he rebounds. Hamels is still the best young pitcher in the NL (sorry, Lincecum), Jamie Moyer is still evidently alive, so they can still trot out a decent rotation, but it's difficult to repeat in MLB, and even more so as an NL team. Trouble here: Most of their guys got that long-term deal reward, so the only guy playing for a contract is Brett Myers. Then we have the Mets. This team does more choking than a Chuck Pahlaniuk novel. But here's the thing about the Mets: If all games ended after 7 innings, they would have won more than 100. This year, they picked up J.J. Putz and K-Rod. In effect, most games will be over after the seventh inning this year. The starters are solid (Santana raising the average to almost brilliant), the offense is good, the defense is there, and now they have a bullpen. If they can keep their hands from around their throats when Philly makes a run, they're in. Winner: Mets. Wild Card: Phillies.
NL Playoffs: Diamondbacks have the right rotation for a five-game series, but will have the worst record for a division champ. That will put them against the Mets, where anemic hitting meets Santana (twice, if necessary), so they go home in a few low scoring games. Phillies face the Cubs, and after a "here we go again" moment in Chicago, the Cubs remember that they're good, and chase them away. Cubs meet Mets in an heroic series: Seven games, extra innings, a few brawls, sarcastic press, inside pitches and beer, and a Cubs victory. NL World Series Rep: Cubs.
World Series: Cubs vs. Red Sox: Both have the pitching, hitting and defense to make this a great series, and since the Sox have rid themselves of the "curse" they should be an easy pick. But something funny has been happening in Chicago: For the longest time, they set out trying to find Jesus, who could come in and single-handedly win for them. They never found their Jesus, but they finally have 12 Disciples in place. As long as none of them starts to doubt, this is the year. That's right, Chicago Residents, prepare to flee the riots in Wrigleyville! CUBBIES WIN!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
2009 Baseball - American League
Well, it's that time of year again. I know you are all wondering about the upcoming Baseball season, and even more, looking for the prognostication that can only come from yours truly. So many questions going into spring training, one might wonder: how can you even make predictions? Easy money, baby. Nobody cares if you're wrong, but they give you lots of props if you're right. Without further ado, let's look at the American League. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a diehard Red Sox fan. I try to separate my heart from all of this, but let's face it: I am human(ish). So away we go, by division:
AL West: The Angels are still the cream of the crop, but they are getting older. Vlad is not the threat he used to be. They are, in a lot of ways, fielding an all-DH outfield, have HUGE question marks at the infield corners both offensively and defensively, lost Jon Garland, a mid-rotation starter who yanked in 14 wins while eating innings like Rod Beck drank Coors Light, but none of these are the biggest issue. The Angels finished 31-21 in 1-run games, and this was part of a record-setting 62 save season by a closer who now lives across the country. Just flip those numbers, and suddenly they are 90-72, and looking vulnerable. But who can catch them? Oakland will gain, because rule 1 in baseball is "never doubt Billy Beane's assessment of young pitching." They also added a little more batting power (Giambi, Holliday) to the team that scored the fewest runs in the AL. Joey Devine is the real deal: watch for him to replace Ziegler in the closer role. Texas will score lots of runs, but thanks to the pitching, the team will live up to its name: Ranging all over the outfield to watch balls fly out. Seattle made some good moves, and their pitching should be improved by a better coaching staff, but they will be striving to play .500 ball, not gunning for the Angels. Winner: Angels.
AL Central: Five contenders in this division (alright, maybe the Royals are a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not?). The White Sox went for youth, and have question marks and competition all over the field. Coming off a season where they fell so hard at the end, they had to have a one-game playoff just to get into the postseason, where they let offense (Crede, Swisher) and defense (Cabrera) get away, and added plenty of weight in the rotund third-base question mark Viciedo, watch for this team to falter a bit in the beginning. Much has been made of the losses the Indians had towards the end of last season, when they traded away Sabathia, Blake and Byrd. What people fail to notice is that after August 7th, they proceeded to win 32 games, coming together as a team. Hafner should be back, they added Mark DeRosa, Carl Pavano might return to form out of the big-city spotlight. Indians can contend if they decide to play from the beginning of the season, instead of waiting for the trade deadline. The Twins did basically nothing, so they are being written off left and right, but this is a young team that fought into a playoff race last season. Another year of maturing, and they'll be solid. Besides, doubting Ron Gardenhire's ability to win with anyone is akin to making an in-division trade with Bill Belichik: Only an idiot would do it. The Tigers are going to pretend 2008 never happened, and run out an over-talented team with no chemistry, and hope for the best. The biggest addition for them is Rick Knapp as pitching coach. He comes from the Twins, where he was a roving minor league pitching coordinator. And I think we can all agree that the Twins have some pretty decent pitching workouts, as they have had the lowest number of pitchers on the DL for the last ten years. Knapp gets that rotation healthy, and they start winning one-run games (16-25 in '08), and they are right back in it. Finally, the Royals. Can Hillman finally get the talented youth on this team to become the everyday players their potential promises? Can Coco Crisp return to his Indians form, out of the glare of Boston's Citgo sign? If so, a rejuvenated Gil Meche and a constantly improving Zach Greinke can push this team to the top of a division where 90 wins would bring the pennant home. Winner: Indians.
AL East: This is a three-pony race. The Orioles are shaking things up under Andy Macphail, but still have a ways to go. Cesar Izturis, Rich Hill and Felix Pie don't exactly set teams a-quiver. Matt Wieters will be a star, but needs more supporting cast. The Jays, oh the Jays. Picking up Rod Barajas in the off-season. This is the team that needs the prom queen, but had to settle for the editor of the yearbook. Hopefully, the Canadian dollar will rebound and they can field a team next year. No, this race is about the Yankees, Rays and Sox. The Yankees got all Steinbrenner during the off-season, to get back into the playoffs. But, really: A-Rod chokes under pressure (see: 1 postseason career RBI), and he has never seen the kind of pressure he'll be under now that everyone knows he's a cheat. Think Sox fans will let that one slide at Fenway? Sabathia is an amazing pitcher, but Milwaukee and Cleveland are not New York. One bad start, and he'll be fighting boos as well. Burnett should do well, as he will be somewhat out of the spotlight. Teixeira will be the real star. He is exactly the kind of player teams love to have: quiet, unassuming, and REALLY good. The trouble comes at the back end of their rotation, and in the bullpen. Oh no, they're sending in Damaso Marte! We're screwed! Potential starting outfield: Melky Cabrera, Nick Swisher, Xavier Nady. Red Sox might have made the best bargain deals of the off-season. If Penny returns to form, and Smoltz is Smoltz in May, they will have easily the deepest rotation in the majors. Pedroia just keeps getting better at the plate, and is one of the best defensive infielders in the game. Sort out the Lugo/Lowrie mess at shortstop, and the middle defense will be solid. The biggest question mark for a team that was one game from the Series will be Ortiz: How is that wrist? And who will protect him in the lineup? The Rays were a ridiculous young team, that seemingly overachieved. But overachieving for an entire season is not possible. It means they were for real then, and now they've enticed Pat Burrell to cross the diamond, and we all saw what David Price is going to bring to the party. However, they won't be surprising anyone this year, and the Yanks and Sox set out to beat them. Having a target in a division like this is never pleasant. Winner: Yankees. Wild Card: Red Sox.
AL World Series Rep: Well, the Angels will lose in the playoffs, the Yankees new aquisitions are terrible in the post-season, the Red Sox probably don't have the bats. In a five-game series, I take Cliff Lee and Fausto Carmona against anyone. Seven games, Indians against Red Sox. Epic battle, as they always seem to be between these two in the post-season, but in the end, the Sox have the three- and four-hole starters. Red Sox.
So there you have the AL, in brief. NL Previews to follow.
AL West: The Angels are still the cream of the crop, but they are getting older. Vlad is not the threat he used to be. They are, in a lot of ways, fielding an all-DH outfield, have HUGE question marks at the infield corners both offensively and defensively, lost Jon Garland, a mid-rotation starter who yanked in 14 wins while eating innings like Rod Beck drank Coors Light, but none of these are the biggest issue. The Angels finished 31-21 in 1-run games, and this was part of a record-setting 62 save season by a closer who now lives across the country. Just flip those numbers, and suddenly they are 90-72, and looking vulnerable. But who can catch them? Oakland will gain, because rule 1 in baseball is "never doubt Billy Beane's assessment of young pitching." They also added a little more batting power (Giambi, Holliday) to the team that scored the fewest runs in the AL. Joey Devine is the real deal: watch for him to replace Ziegler in the closer role. Texas will score lots of runs, but thanks to the pitching, the team will live up to its name: Ranging all over the outfield to watch balls fly out. Seattle made some good moves, and their pitching should be improved by a better coaching staff, but they will be striving to play .500 ball, not gunning for the Angels. Winner: Angels.
AL Central: Five contenders in this division (alright, maybe the Royals are a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not?). The White Sox went for youth, and have question marks and competition all over the field. Coming off a season where they fell so hard at the end, they had to have a one-game playoff just to get into the postseason, where they let offense (Crede, Swisher) and defense (Cabrera) get away, and added plenty of weight in the rotund third-base question mark Viciedo, watch for this team to falter a bit in the beginning. Much has been made of the losses the Indians had towards the end of last season, when they traded away Sabathia, Blake and Byrd. What people fail to notice is that after August 7th, they proceeded to win 32 games, coming together as a team. Hafner should be back, they added Mark DeRosa, Carl Pavano might return to form out of the big-city spotlight. Indians can contend if they decide to play from the beginning of the season, instead of waiting for the trade deadline. The Twins did basically nothing, so they are being written off left and right, but this is a young team that fought into a playoff race last season. Another year of maturing, and they'll be solid. Besides, doubting Ron Gardenhire's ability to win with anyone is akin to making an in-division trade with Bill Belichik: Only an idiot would do it. The Tigers are going to pretend 2008 never happened, and run out an over-talented team with no chemistry, and hope for the best. The biggest addition for them is Rick Knapp as pitching coach. He comes from the Twins, where he was a roving minor league pitching coordinator. And I think we can all agree that the Twins have some pretty decent pitching workouts, as they have had the lowest number of pitchers on the DL for the last ten years. Knapp gets that rotation healthy, and they start winning one-run games (16-25 in '08), and they are right back in it. Finally, the Royals. Can Hillman finally get the talented youth on this team to become the everyday players their potential promises? Can Coco Crisp return to his Indians form, out of the glare of Boston's Citgo sign? If so, a rejuvenated Gil Meche and a constantly improving Zach Greinke can push this team to the top of a division where 90 wins would bring the pennant home. Winner: Indians.
AL East: This is a three-pony race. The Orioles are shaking things up under Andy Macphail, but still have a ways to go. Cesar Izturis, Rich Hill and Felix Pie don't exactly set teams a-quiver. Matt Wieters will be a star, but needs more supporting cast. The Jays, oh the Jays. Picking up Rod Barajas in the off-season. This is the team that needs the prom queen, but had to settle for the editor of the yearbook. Hopefully, the Canadian dollar will rebound and they can field a team next year. No, this race is about the Yankees, Rays and Sox. The Yankees got all Steinbrenner during the off-season, to get back into the playoffs. But, really: A-Rod chokes under pressure (see: 1 postseason career RBI), and he has never seen the kind of pressure he'll be under now that everyone knows he's a cheat. Think Sox fans will let that one slide at Fenway? Sabathia is an amazing pitcher, but Milwaukee and Cleveland are not New York. One bad start, and he'll be fighting boos as well. Burnett should do well, as he will be somewhat out of the spotlight. Teixeira will be the real star. He is exactly the kind of player teams love to have: quiet, unassuming, and REALLY good. The trouble comes at the back end of their rotation, and in the bullpen. Oh no, they're sending in Damaso Marte! We're screwed! Potential starting outfield: Melky Cabrera, Nick Swisher, Xavier Nady. Red Sox might have made the best bargain deals of the off-season. If Penny returns to form, and Smoltz is Smoltz in May, they will have easily the deepest rotation in the majors. Pedroia just keeps getting better at the plate, and is one of the best defensive infielders in the game. Sort out the Lugo/Lowrie mess at shortstop, and the middle defense will be solid. The biggest question mark for a team that was one game from the Series will be Ortiz: How is that wrist? And who will protect him in the lineup? The Rays were a ridiculous young team, that seemingly overachieved. But overachieving for an entire season is not possible. It means they were for real then, and now they've enticed Pat Burrell to cross the diamond, and we all saw what David Price is going to bring to the party. However, they won't be surprising anyone this year, and the Yanks and Sox set out to beat them. Having a target in a division like this is never pleasant. Winner: Yankees. Wild Card: Red Sox.
AL World Series Rep: Well, the Angels will lose in the playoffs, the Yankees new aquisitions are terrible in the post-season, the Red Sox probably don't have the bats. In a five-game series, I take Cliff Lee and Fausto Carmona against anyone. Seven games, Indians against Red Sox. Epic battle, as they always seem to be between these two in the post-season, but in the end, the Sox have the three- and four-hole starters. Red Sox.
So there you have the AL, in brief. NL Previews to follow.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Shoulda used google
You put the stars in the sky and you know them by name you are amazing god? Who the hell searches for that?Sunday, February 1, 2009
Super Bowl Bean Dip
Looking for one more quick dip for your party? Try this:
In microwave-safe casserole dish with lid, put one small can chopped green chilis and 1/3 cup chopped onions Microwave on high for 2 minutes (covered). Add two cans (15oz each) refried beans and 2 Tbls. of Spicy Salsa. Stir well, and microwave (covered) 3 minutes on high, stirring halfway through. Tpo with sour cream, salsa, and cheese, and heat covered about 1-2 minutes, until cheese melts. Serve with tortilla chips.
In microwave-safe casserole dish with lid, put one small can chopped green chilis and 1/3 cup chopped onions Microwave on high for 2 minutes (covered). Add two cans (15oz each) refried beans and 2 Tbls. of Spicy Salsa. Stir well, and microwave (covered) 3 minutes on high, stirring halfway through. Tpo with sour cream, salsa, and cheese, and heat covered about 1-2 minutes, until cheese melts. Serve with tortilla chips.
Quick Hits
Why I want the Cardinals to win today:
1) They never have.
2) I always root for the underdog, unless the favorite is the Pats.
3) Larry Fitzgerald: It's a crazy thing when a wide receiver is more concerned with making catches and getting into the endzone than the celebration he'd do when he got there. A guy who quietly does his job, does it well, and is not a show-boating piece of trash (SEE: T.O., Ocho Cinqo), deserves my rooting interest. Then he turns around and offers to re-negotiate his contract so that his team can keep another player. That's right, a top-tier talent offering to take a pay-cut, saying: "I have the money I need." What? Who let this guy be a professional athlete?
4) Anquan Boldin: much has been made of his anger on the sidelines during the win over the Eagles. The guy is a competitor. On Sept. 28th, he was pushed from behind and then blasted helmet-to-helmet by safety Eric Smith, suffering multiple facial fractures in his sinuses and jaw. He had scres, plates and stitches, was knocked unconscious, and missed 2 games. That's TWO. In a sport where "turf toe" can shut a receiver down, Boldin calls himself a "football player." And he is.
5) Kurt Warner and the entire O-line: Has there ever, in the history of Football, been a crew this unwanted? Look at this lineup: Warner (cut by Rams, booed in NY and cut by Giants); C Lyle Sendlein (2nd year, 16 starts, fifth round pick); LT Mike Gandy (cut by Bears in 03, out of NFL til 07); LG Reggie Wells (Played in 03, out for two years).
6) Pat Tillman.
7) @Sloganeerist. He's a Steeler Fan. 'Nuff said.
1) They never have.
2) I always root for the underdog, unless the favorite is the Pats.
3) Larry Fitzgerald: It's a crazy thing when a wide receiver is more concerned with making catches and getting into the endzone than the celebration he'd do when he got there. A guy who quietly does his job, does it well, and is not a show-boating piece of trash (SEE: T.O., Ocho Cinqo), deserves my rooting interest. Then he turns around and offers to re-negotiate his contract so that his team can keep another player. That's right, a top-tier talent offering to take a pay-cut, saying: "I have the money I need." What? Who let this guy be a professional athlete?
4) Anquan Boldin: much has been made of his anger on the sidelines during the win over the Eagles. The guy is a competitor. On Sept. 28th, he was pushed from behind and then blasted helmet-to-helmet by safety Eric Smith, suffering multiple facial fractures in his sinuses and jaw. He had scres, plates and stitches, was knocked unconscious, and missed 2 games. That's TWO. In a sport where "turf toe" can shut a receiver down, Boldin calls himself a "football player." And he is.
5) Kurt Warner and the entire O-line: Has there ever, in the history of Football, been a crew this unwanted? Look at this lineup: Warner (cut by Rams, booed in NY and cut by Giants); C Lyle Sendlein (2nd year, 16 starts, fifth round pick); LT Mike Gandy (cut by Bears in 03, out of NFL til 07); LG Reggie Wells (Played in 03, out for two years).
6) Pat Tillman.
7) @Sloganeerist. He's a Steeler Fan. 'Nuff said.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Okay, FINE!! 25 things to go with the seven.
Fine, people, you want 25 new things? I'll give them to you. And then I'm tagging everyone. That way, we can all be clear that this is done, and you will all worship me as befits my status as a minor deity. Plus, I want to see if I can muster 25 new things. Really, I don't think I'm that interesting.
1. I had a conversation with a ghost in my parents' attic. She just made little sounds before she walked through the wall, but it was enough to keep me awake for a few days.
2. I only drink coffee over ice, never hot, no matter how cold it is. This is a remnant of my time in Boston, and my Dunkin' Donuts addiction.
3. I know a guy who started a conversation with one of those "I stole all this money and need your help! I'll share it with you!" scams, and turned it around and was able to get a carved wooden keyboard out of the scammer: http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm
4. The best barbecue I've ever had was in Boston, at Redbones in Davis Square, in spite of spending so much time in Memphis.
5. I once ran a 400 meter sprint in an attempt to win a carton of cigarettes. I puked all over the wall of a bathroom in a girl's dorm, then went back there while they were all complaining about "whoever did this." I helped them clean it up, and they thought I was wonderful for doing so. In return, they bought me a gift: a carton of cigarettes.
6. I like cheesey romantic movies. "Love Actually" is one of my favorites.
7. I make the greatest thanksgiving dinner known to man. This year, I had Chipotle-Glazed Turkey with Cranberry-Orange sauce, Bleu Cheese Mashed potatoes, Apple-Sourdough stuffing, Pancetta and Chive Green Beans and Creamy Pecan Sweet Potatoes.
8. I have eaten the hottest wings ever. Or should I say "wing." I went to Wingdome in Seattle, where they serve the 7-alarm wings one at a time. I cried for twenty minutes. Then for another thirty when I evidently didn't wash my hands well enough before going to the bathroom.
9. I am addicted to twitter.
10. I LOVE the Iowa State Fair. Fried Oreos, baby!
11. My favorite meal I ever had was in Barcelona, at a restaurant called El Lobito, where we ordered white wine and the food just kept coming. I ate horse stomach, barnacles, everything, but had no idea what it all was because I don't speak Catalan. I just wrote down the names, and looked them up later. It was so amazing, I had to take a cab three blocks back to the hotel because I was so full.
12. I am 100%, totally in love, even though I have done everything I can to screw it up, she is still with me, and now I intend to do everything I can to do it right.
13. I believe in God, which is a direct violation of "Tragic Moody Hipster Rule #5."
14. I hate canned tuna. Makes me gag. Just the smell will do it.
15. I have thrown up in more restaurants than most people have even eaten in.
16. I am the king of Karaoke.
17. I hate nearly all of the apps on Facebook. Bead throwing, cupcakes, drinks, etc. It's when they ask to access my friends' info. I kind of feel like I'm betraying my friends' trust if I allow it.
18. I have been naked on stage twice in my life. Once doing push-ups. Both were comedies. I think that affects my body image.
19. I have such a distinctive voice that I cannot prank call people. Even if I try to change it, they recognize it every time.
20. I could listen to Tom Bodett tell stories for days on end.
21. All of my clothes match each other, because I am a terrible dresser, and they don't make adult Grr-Animals.
22. I have a king-sized bed, and sleep only on the three feet on the far left. This results in a need to turn the mattress every two weeks.
23. Anytime I have to capitalize a word starting in "th," I accidentally capitalize both letters.
24. I cuss like a sailor.
25. I once completed a Sunday New York Times Crossword in 48 minutes.
So there you go, people. More than you ever wanted to know about me. I hope you've enjoyed this little tour. Exits are to the left, through the gift shop. Be sure and check out our specials on "Sarcastic Self-Deprecation" and "Thinly Veiled Arrogance."
1. I had a conversation with a ghost in my parents' attic. She just made little sounds before she walked through the wall, but it was enough to keep me awake for a few days.
2. I only drink coffee over ice, never hot, no matter how cold it is. This is a remnant of my time in Boston, and my Dunkin' Donuts addiction.
3. I know a guy who started a conversation with one of those "I stole all this money and need your help! I'll share it with you!" scams, and turned it around and was able to get a carved wooden keyboard out of the scammer: http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm
4. The best barbecue I've ever had was in Boston, at Redbones in Davis Square, in spite of spending so much time in Memphis.
5. I once ran a 400 meter sprint in an attempt to win a carton of cigarettes. I puked all over the wall of a bathroom in a girl's dorm, then went back there while they were all complaining about "whoever did this." I helped them clean it up, and they thought I was wonderful for doing so. In return, they bought me a gift: a carton of cigarettes.
6. I like cheesey romantic movies. "Love Actually" is one of my favorites.
7. I make the greatest thanksgiving dinner known to man. This year, I had Chipotle-Glazed Turkey with Cranberry-Orange sauce, Bleu Cheese Mashed potatoes, Apple-Sourdough stuffing, Pancetta and Chive Green Beans and Creamy Pecan Sweet Potatoes.
8. I have eaten the hottest wings ever. Or should I say "wing." I went to Wingdome in Seattle, where they serve the 7-alarm wings one at a time. I cried for twenty minutes. Then for another thirty when I evidently didn't wash my hands well enough before going to the bathroom.
9. I am addicted to twitter.
10. I LOVE the Iowa State Fair. Fried Oreos, baby!
11. My favorite meal I ever had was in Barcelona, at a restaurant called El Lobito, where we ordered white wine and the food just kept coming. I ate horse stomach, barnacles, everything, but had no idea what it all was because I don't speak Catalan. I just wrote down the names, and looked them up later. It was so amazing, I had to take a cab three blocks back to the hotel because I was so full.
12. I am 100%, totally in love, even though I have done everything I can to screw it up, she is still with me, and now I intend to do everything I can to do it right.
13. I believe in God, which is a direct violation of "Tragic Moody Hipster Rule #5."
14. I hate canned tuna. Makes me gag. Just the smell will do it.
15. I have thrown up in more restaurants than most people have even eaten in.
16. I am the king of Karaoke.
17. I hate nearly all of the apps on Facebook. Bead throwing, cupcakes, drinks, etc. It's when they ask to access my friends' info. I kind of feel like I'm betraying my friends' trust if I allow it.
18. I have been naked on stage twice in my life. Once doing push-ups. Both were comedies. I think that affects my body image.
19. I have such a distinctive voice that I cannot prank call people. Even if I try to change it, they recognize it every time.
20. I could listen to Tom Bodett tell stories for days on end.
21. All of my clothes match each other, because I am a terrible dresser, and they don't make adult Grr-Animals.
22. I have a king-sized bed, and sleep only on the three feet on the far left. This results in a need to turn the mattress every two weeks.
23. Anytime I have to capitalize a word starting in "th," I accidentally capitalize both letters.
24. I cuss like a sailor.
25. I once completed a Sunday New York Times Crossword in 48 minutes.
So there you go, people. More than you ever wanted to know about me. I hope you've enjoyed this little tour. Exits are to the left, through the gift shop. Be sure and check out our specials on "Sarcastic Self-Deprecation" and "Thinly Veiled Arrogance."
Monday, January 26, 2009
Because I love you all
Periodically, I come up with a random dish to prepare, and sometimes it's even actually good. When that happens, I'll share them here, because they are all simple things, and really cheap to make. So go crazy with it!
French Toast Casserole
Grease a 9" pie pan. preheat oven to 350.
Cut up 6-7 slices of white bread into cubes and put into the pan. You need enough for a "loose fill" of the pie pan.
Whisk together 4 eggs, 1/2 cup cream, 2T brown sugar, 1/4 tsp vanilla extract, dash of cinnamon. Pour mix over bread, and toss together by hand. Let sit for about ten minutes, so all of the liquid gets absorbed.
Top with butter, about 2T, five or six dollops spread around. Sprinkle 2T of brown sugar all over the top, and drizzle with a little Maple Syrup. Bake for about 20 minutes, until top is browned, and bubbling.
Slice, serve with syrup.
Money
French Toast Casserole
Grease a 9" pie pan. preheat oven to 350.
Cut up 6-7 slices of white bread into cubes and put into the pan. You need enough for a "loose fill" of the pie pan.
Whisk together 4 eggs, 1/2 cup cream, 2T brown sugar, 1/4 tsp vanilla extract, dash of cinnamon. Pour mix over bread, and toss together by hand. Let sit for about ten minutes, so all of the liquid gets absorbed.
Top with butter, about 2T, five or six dollops spread around. Sprinkle 2T of brown sugar all over the top, and drizzle with a little Maple Syrup. Bake for about 20 minutes, until top is browned, and bubbling.
Slice, serve with syrup.
Money
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Chinese Invasion
So Timothy Geithner has said that he is going to be tougher with China, accusing them of manipulating their money valuation in order to increase the American debt. That's a beautiful thing. Because the thing is, the Chinese are not just manipulating us through money, they are after us in many other ways.
First of all, nobody actually speaks Chinese. I know they pretend, but that's just when we are around. When you go to a restaurant, that little old lady that waits on you actually speaks English with a Brooklyn accent. Making you order by number is just because they don't actually know how to pronounce it either.
Another thing: Why do they all assume we know what the shit on their menu is? I still don't know what General Tso's Chicken (Number 5) is. Know why? NOBODY describes it on the menu. And I am not about to order it, and discover that General Tso's Chicken means Fricaseed Rat.
Does anyone even know what good Chinese is? Everyone in New York says theirs is the best, in California you "Can't get good chinese." We base our ssumption on the people working there, with their fake-ass accents. If you walked in, and I was serving you, I could have a 96-year-old grandmother cooking in the back, and you'd say it was "not real chinese." But if she and I traded places, I could urinate in a vat of rice and you'd call it "Authentic." And who knows, maybe it is. Maybe that's what "House Special Rice" is. You know, number 27.
Finally, the weirdest part of their slow takeover of our country: Have you ever been in a town that didn't have a chinese restaurant? No matter how small it is. Chaffee, Missourri, has 500 people. A coffeeshop, Gas Station, Market, and Chinese Restaurant. Really? And they are never full. Walk into any Chinese Restaurant anytime day or night, and at most, it is half-full. Know why?
Look around. The whole place is always covered in mirrors. That's because they don't actually make their money off the food. Behind all of those mirrors are Chinese people who have paid good money to watch your dumb ass try to eat rice with two sticks. They are back there wolfing down Lo Mein (#44) with forks, and laughing at you!!
So now you know. Tim Geithner is doing the best he can on one front, but it is up to us, everyday Americans, to fight the good fight as well. Go out there! Order by name! Compare the way each restaurant pronounces the food's names! Ask what is in each dish! Look for the white boy waiter! And for America's Sake:
USE A FORK!!
First of all, nobody actually speaks Chinese. I know they pretend, but that's just when we are around. When you go to a restaurant, that little old lady that waits on you actually speaks English with a Brooklyn accent. Making you order by number is just because they don't actually know how to pronounce it either.
Another thing: Why do they all assume we know what the shit on their menu is? I still don't know what General Tso's Chicken (Number 5) is. Know why? NOBODY describes it on the menu. And I am not about to order it, and discover that General Tso's Chicken means Fricaseed Rat.
Does anyone even know what good Chinese is? Everyone in New York says theirs is the best, in California you "Can't get good chinese." We base our ssumption on the people working there, with their fake-ass accents. If you walked in, and I was serving you, I could have a 96-year-old grandmother cooking in the back, and you'd say it was "not real chinese." But if she and I traded places, I could urinate in a vat of rice and you'd call it "Authentic." And who knows, maybe it is. Maybe that's what "House Special Rice" is. You know, number 27.
Finally, the weirdest part of their slow takeover of our country: Have you ever been in a town that didn't have a chinese restaurant? No matter how small it is. Chaffee, Missourri, has 500 people. A coffeeshop, Gas Station, Market, and Chinese Restaurant. Really? And they are never full. Walk into any Chinese Restaurant anytime day or night, and at most, it is half-full. Know why?
Look around. The whole place is always covered in mirrors. That's because they don't actually make their money off the food. Behind all of those mirrors are Chinese people who have paid good money to watch your dumb ass try to eat rice with two sticks. They are back there wolfing down Lo Mein (#44) with forks, and laughing at you!!
So now you know. Tim Geithner is doing the best he can on one front, but it is up to us, everyday Americans, to fight the good fight as well. Go out there! Order by name! Compare the way each restaurant pronounces the food's names! Ask what is in each dish! Look for the white boy waiter! And for America's Sake:
USE A FORK!!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Common Courtesy, Voice-Mail, and the Return Call
I was walking through the Library with a friend the other day, and we realized something amazing: In a country/society that is becoming increasingly overrun by the Ugg-boot-wearing loud cell-phone talking youths and the Get-Out-of-My-Way-I'm-Shopping mall-crawling bastards, people still respect the library. So odd to be in a busy building, and see signs that say "No Cellphones" and watch people turn them off. It points out that we still have a chance to stop the slide down the slope towards a Harlan Ellison short story. "If This Goes On..."
I remember when I would run into the store to pick up a bag of dog food, and the people with the full basket would let me go ahead of them, because "You only have the one thing." I still do this. But most of the time, nowadays, approaching the checkout stand feels like "Joust," and I'm not cut-throat enough to knock those knights off of their flying ostriches. I get on the city bus, and see the elderly man, standing in front of a row of people in the "Please Vacate These Seats for the Elderly." Doors slam in our faces, parking places get stolen, Baristas are stepped on so some loser can for a brief moment feel superior, the spiral of negativity flies out of control. Horns honk, profanity is yelled out loud around young children, "May I please" becomes "I want." The worst part is that it's always one small thing. No giant leap into the maw, just a nip here, nip there.
The most recent victim of this trend is phone etiquette. Today, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. They left the following message: "I'm sorry, I dialed the wrong number." This made my day. This was a person who knew that nobody leaves messages anymore, so they would probably be able to expect the following phone call from me: "Hi, someone just called me from there?" When did it become okay not to leave a message? Why has a whole dialogue developed for returning a phone call? I don't want to call you back if you were just calling to say "Hi!" Leave me a message that says "Hi!" and we'll both be happy. Or hey, text me! Either way, it saves us a lot of time on the "Hey you called?" "I did? oh, that's right." "So What's up?" "Nothing." GAAAAAA!! Give me back my life!
And then there's the return phone call. I don't mean when I leave you a message. Believe me, I understand, if we are friends, that life can interfere. I'm talking about the 22 interiews I've had for various jobs. Every single one ended with "Great, we'll contact you in the next few days with next steps. If you have any questions, feel free to call me." Every single one: NO WORD. Now, please understand, these were companies that were considering me because they want to "improve customer service." Hey, here's free idea number one: If I call and check in, return my call. I'd rather hear "We're moving forward with other applicants" than be in limbo, unsure if I should plan that vacation, because hey, what if I need to start working? It's courtesy. That's why "Customer Service" used to be called "Courtesy Service." Wondering why your company is struggling? You have not learned to see everyone as a potential customer.
Maybe you should all study the library. The one in Downtown Seattle is beautiful.
I remember when I would run into the store to pick up a bag of dog food, and the people with the full basket would let me go ahead of them, because "You only have the one thing." I still do this. But most of the time, nowadays, approaching the checkout stand feels like "Joust," and I'm not cut-throat enough to knock those knights off of their flying ostriches. I get on the city bus, and see the elderly man, standing in front of a row of people in the "Please Vacate These Seats for the Elderly." Doors slam in our faces, parking places get stolen, Baristas are stepped on so some loser can for a brief moment feel superior, the spiral of negativity flies out of control. Horns honk, profanity is yelled out loud around young children, "May I please" becomes "I want." The worst part is that it's always one small thing. No giant leap into the maw, just a nip here, nip there.
The most recent victim of this trend is phone etiquette. Today, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. They left the following message: "I'm sorry, I dialed the wrong number." This made my day. This was a person who knew that nobody leaves messages anymore, so they would probably be able to expect the following phone call from me: "Hi, someone just called me from there?" When did it become okay not to leave a message? Why has a whole dialogue developed for returning a phone call? I don't want to call you back if you were just calling to say "Hi!" Leave me a message that says "Hi!" and we'll both be happy. Or hey, text me! Either way, it saves us a lot of time on the "Hey you called?" "I did? oh, that's right." "So What's up?" "Nothing." GAAAAAA!! Give me back my life!
And then there's the return phone call. I don't mean when I leave you a message. Believe me, I understand, if we are friends, that life can interfere. I'm talking about the 22 interiews I've had for various jobs. Every single one ended with "Great, we'll contact you in the next few days with next steps. If you have any questions, feel free to call me." Every single one: NO WORD. Now, please understand, these were companies that were considering me because they want to "improve customer service." Hey, here's free idea number one: If I call and check in, return my call. I'd rather hear "We're moving forward with other applicants" than be in limbo, unsure if I should plan that vacation, because hey, what if I need to start working? It's courtesy. That's why "Customer Service" used to be called "Courtesy Service." Wondering why your company is struggling? You have not learned to see everyone as a potential customer.
Maybe you should all study the library. The one in Downtown Seattle is beautiful.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My Seven Things
1. I was Valedictorian of my high school. I got made fun of a lot in College about this, because my graduating class had only twelve people in it. My argument has always been that since smaller student/teacher ratios have been shown to increase the quality of education received, it should have MORE weight. Anyone can sit in the front row of a lecture hall and fake their way to a 4.0 GPA in a public school. In a college preparatory school with an emphasis on research, writing and science, the challenge is much greater. In fact, the BOTTOM person in my class graduated with a 3.5.
2. I can't stand when someone gets the newspaper out of order. Newspapers are published with partial stories, that continue further in. I don't want to spend my first cup of coffee trying to figure out where you put page A6, I want it to be between A5 and A7. Newspapers are also laid out so that after all of the bad news that they plaster all over the early pages, you make it to the "lighter" sections, such as Arts and Entertainment and the Comics (which, BTW, I refuse to call the "funnies," since they haven't made me laugh out loud since the last time I voted for Bill and Opus). I also find that reading the entire paper in order helps to set my mind up for the challenge of the crossword.
The only exception to this neurosis is the USA Today, because it is sort of the sit-com of daily news: no matter what order you take it in, it's still fluffy, flashy and entertainment, with research and consistency gaps comparable to a season of "Friday Night Lights." And the crossword in USA Today is almost as challenging as the word-find in the back of a Highlights Magazine.
3. I believe that I know the exact date of my death. I don't know why this is. It is nothing as cool as an Owen Meany-type vision. I have just always had this date pegged. I don't even know how it will happen, and it might even be wrong, but it has led to a very Zen feeling regarding things like healthy eating and smoking. It is admittedly possible that I use this date as an internal justification for chasing my fried pork chops with cheap beer or whiskey, and then following the whole thing up with a delicious cigarette. However, as this is a fact that I have held close for as long as I remember, I tend to think not.
4. My dreams are fully developed movies. When there is a flaw in the plot, it wakes me up. A weird side effect of this is that I have nightmares, but they don't really scare me that much most of the time. When they do, I know how to wake myself up. I can usually tell I'm dreaming, and am even an "outside observer" to most of the action. Here's an example (for you script-writers looking for a film). I dreamt about a guy who checks into a hotel, and chats briefly with the hotel manager. He then goes up to his room. He returns shortly thereafter to find the manager dead, and blood splashed all over the lobby. He calls the police, and they review the security tapes and see him doing it! However, they never see him leave his room in the hall cameras. As he is talking with the police, they receive a 911 call. Another murder has been committed, and the video shows the guy doing it during the exact time he was talking to the police. He figures it out, twin brother blah blah blah (I almost woke up here), anyway, after much chasing and suspense, he tracks his brother into a small town in the desert. From a distance, the town looks strange. As he approaches, he realizes that there are people nailed to every light post, and every single one of them is wearing a mask made from a photograph of his face. You get the idea. The weird thing is, this wasn't scary. Okay, actually the weird thing is that I have serial killer dreams. I can admit that.
5. I have broken all of my toes except the big one on my left foot. How I managed to avoid that one, I don't know. But I am the acknowledged king of "wear a stiff shoe" as a cure.
6. I have read the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching, and The Book of Mormon. I don't really have much of a comment on that, except to say that if you get a chance to read all of them, do so. It is really life-changing, not in a religious way, but in the way it makes you view the people who base their whole lives on these documents.
7. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that any relationship can be made to work, if both parties are willing to put in effort. Contrary to what many others believe, I think that people CAN change. The question is if they want to. I still refer to my ex-wife as "my wife" because I am having a hard time accepting that we could not have made it work. I was willing to do whatever I needed to. The trouble is, she wasn't. I am getting better about this, and am looking forward to being with someone who agrees that no problem is so big we can't beat it. Of course, it helps that I am not an abusive alcoholic.
2. I can't stand when someone gets the newspaper out of order. Newspapers are published with partial stories, that continue further in. I don't want to spend my first cup of coffee trying to figure out where you put page A6, I want it to be between A5 and A7. Newspapers are also laid out so that after all of the bad news that they plaster all over the early pages, you make it to the "lighter" sections, such as Arts and Entertainment and the Comics (which, BTW, I refuse to call the "funnies," since they haven't made me laugh out loud since the last time I voted for Bill and Opus). I also find that reading the entire paper in order helps to set my mind up for the challenge of the crossword.
The only exception to this neurosis is the USA Today, because it is sort of the sit-com of daily news: no matter what order you take it in, it's still fluffy, flashy and entertainment, with research and consistency gaps comparable to a season of "Friday Night Lights." And the crossword in USA Today is almost as challenging as the word-find in the back of a Highlights Magazine.
3. I believe that I know the exact date of my death. I don't know why this is. It is nothing as cool as an Owen Meany-type vision. I have just always had this date pegged. I don't even know how it will happen, and it might even be wrong, but it has led to a very Zen feeling regarding things like healthy eating and smoking. It is admittedly possible that I use this date as an internal justification for chasing my fried pork chops with cheap beer or whiskey, and then following the whole thing up with a delicious cigarette. However, as this is a fact that I have held close for as long as I remember, I tend to think not.
4. My dreams are fully developed movies. When there is a flaw in the plot, it wakes me up. A weird side effect of this is that I have nightmares, but they don't really scare me that much most of the time. When they do, I know how to wake myself up. I can usually tell I'm dreaming, and am even an "outside observer" to most of the action. Here's an example (for you script-writers looking for a film). I dreamt about a guy who checks into a hotel, and chats briefly with the hotel manager. He then goes up to his room. He returns shortly thereafter to find the manager dead, and blood splashed all over the lobby. He calls the police, and they review the security tapes and see him doing it! However, they never see him leave his room in the hall cameras. As he is talking with the police, they receive a 911 call. Another murder has been committed, and the video shows the guy doing it during the exact time he was talking to the police. He figures it out, twin brother blah blah blah (I almost woke up here), anyway, after much chasing and suspense, he tracks his brother into a small town in the desert. From a distance, the town looks strange. As he approaches, he realizes that there are people nailed to every light post, and every single one of them is wearing a mask made from a photograph of his face. You get the idea. The weird thing is, this wasn't scary. Okay, actually the weird thing is that I have serial killer dreams. I can admit that.
5. I have broken all of my toes except the big one on my left foot. How I managed to avoid that one, I don't know. But I am the acknowledged king of "wear a stiff shoe" as a cure.
6. I have read the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching, and The Book of Mormon. I don't really have much of a comment on that, except to say that if you get a chance to read all of them, do so. It is really life-changing, not in a religious way, but in the way it makes you view the people who base their whole lives on these documents.
7. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that any relationship can be made to work, if both parties are willing to put in effort. Contrary to what many others believe, I think that people CAN change. The question is if they want to. I still refer to my ex-wife as "my wife" because I am having a hard time accepting that we could not have made it work. I was willing to do whatever I needed to. The trouble is, she wasn't. I am getting better about this, and am looking forward to being with someone who agrees that no problem is so big we can't beat it. Of course, it helps that I am not an abusive alcoholic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
