Okay, FINE!! 25 things to go with the seven.

Fine, people, you want 25 new things? I'll give them to you. And then I'm tagging everyone. That way, we can all be clear that this is done, and you will all worship me as befits my status as a minor deity. Plus, I want to see if I can muster 25 new things. Really, I don't think I'm that interesting.

1. I had a conversation with a ghost in my parents' attic. She just made little sounds before she walked through the wall, but it was enough to keep me awake for a few days.
2. I only drink coffee over ice, never hot, no matter how cold it is. This is a remnant of my time in Boston, and my Dunkin' Donuts addiction.
3. I know a guy who started a conversation with one of those "I stole all this money and need your help! I'll share it with you!" scams, and turned it around and was able to get a carved wooden keyboard out of the scammer: http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm
4. The best barbecue I've ever had was in Boston, at Redbones in Davis Square, in spite of spending so much time in Memphis.
5. I once ran a 400 meter sprint in an attempt to win a carton of cigarettes. I puked all over the wall of a bathroom in a girl's dorm, then went back there while they were all complaining about "whoever did this." I helped them clean it up, and they thought I was wonderful for doing so. In return, they bought me a gift: a carton of cigarettes.
6. I like cheesey romantic movies. "Love Actually" is one of my favorites.
7. I make the greatest thanksgiving dinner known to man. This year, I had Chipotle-Glazed Turkey with Cranberry-Orange sauce, Bleu Cheese Mashed potatoes, Apple-Sourdough stuffing, Pancetta and Chive Green Beans and Creamy Pecan Sweet Potatoes.
8. I have eaten the hottest wings ever. Or should I say "wing." I went to Wingdome in Seattle, where they serve the 7-alarm wings one at a time. I cried for twenty minutes. Then for another thirty when I evidently didn't wash my hands well enough before going to the bathroom.
9. I am addicted to twitter.
10. I LOVE the Iowa State Fair. Fried Oreos, baby!
11. My favorite meal I ever had was in Barcelona, at a restaurant called El Lobito, where we ordered white wine and the food just kept coming. I ate horse stomach, barnacles, everything, but had no idea what it all was because I don't speak Catalan. I just wrote down the names, and looked them up later. It was so amazing, I had to take a cab three blocks back to the hotel because I was so full.
12. I am 100%, totally in love, even though I have done everything I can to screw it up, she is still with me, and now I intend to do everything I can to do it right.
13. I believe in God, which is a direct violation of "Tragic Moody Hipster Rule #5."
14. I hate canned tuna. Makes me gag. Just the smell will do it.
15. I have thrown up in more restaurants than most people have even eaten in.
16. I am the king of Karaoke.
17. I hate nearly all of the apps on Facebook. Bead throwing, cupcakes, drinks, etc. It's when they ask to access my friends' info. I kind of feel like I'm betraying my friends' trust if I allow it.
18. I have been naked on stage twice in my life. Once doing push-ups. Both were comedies. I think that affects my body image.
19. I have such a distinctive voice that I cannot prank call people. Even if I try to change it, they recognize it every time.
20. I could listen to Tom Bodett tell stories for days on end.
21. All of my clothes match each other, because I am a terrible dresser, and they don't make adult Grr-Animals.
22. I have a king-sized bed, and sleep only on the three feet on the far left. This results in a need to turn the mattress every two weeks.
23. Anytime I have to capitalize a word starting in "th," I accidentally capitalize both letters.
24. I cuss like a sailor.
25. I once completed a Sunday New York Times Crossword in 48 minutes.

So there you go, people. More than you ever wanted to know about me. I hope you've enjoyed this little tour. Exits are to the left, through the gift shop. Be sure and check out our specials on "Sarcastic Self-Deprecation" and "Thinly Veiled Arrogance."

Because I love you all

Periodically, I come up with a random dish to prepare, and sometimes it's even actually good. When that happens, I'll share them here, because they are all simple things, and really cheap to make. So go crazy with it!

French Toast Casserole

Grease a 9" pie pan. preheat oven to 350.

Cut up 6-7 slices of white bread into cubes and put into the pan. You need enough for a "loose fill" of the pie pan.

Whisk together 4 eggs, 1/2 cup cream, 2T brown sugar, 1/4 tsp vanilla extract, dash of cinnamon. Pour mix over bread, and toss together by hand. Let sit for about ten minutes, so all of the liquid gets absorbed.

Top with butter, about 2T, five or six dollops spread around. Sprinkle 2T of brown sugar all over the top, and drizzle with a little Maple Syrup. Bake for about 20 minutes, until top is browned, and bubbling.

Slice, serve with syrup.

Money

Man Art

No Comment.

The Chinese Invasion

So Timothy Geithner has said that he is going to be tougher with China, accusing them of manipulating their money valuation in order to increase the American debt. That's a beautiful thing. Because the thing is, the Chinese are not just manipulating us through money, they are after us in many other ways.

First of all, nobody actually speaks Chinese. I know they pretend, but that's just when we are around. When you go to a restaurant, that little old lady that waits on you actually speaks English with a Brooklyn accent. Making you order by number is just because they don't actually know how to pronounce it either.

Another thing: Why do they all assume we know what the shit on their menu is? I still don't know what General Tso's Chicken (Number 5) is. Know why? NOBODY describes it on the menu. And I am not about to order it, and discover that General Tso's Chicken means Fricaseed Rat.

Does anyone even know what good Chinese is? Everyone in New York says theirs is the best, in California you "Can't get good chinese." We base our ssumption on the people working there, with their fake-ass accents. If you walked in, and I was serving you, I could have a 96-year-old grandmother cooking in the back, and you'd say it was "not real chinese." But if she and I traded places, I could urinate in a vat of rice and you'd call it "Authentic." And who knows, maybe it is. Maybe that's what "House Special Rice" is. You know, number 27.

Finally, the weirdest part of their slow takeover of our country: Have you ever been in a town that didn't have a chinese restaurant? No matter how small it is. Chaffee, Missourri, has 500 people. A coffeeshop, Gas Station, Market, and Chinese Restaurant. Really? And they are never full. Walk into any Chinese Restaurant anytime day or night, and at most, it is half-full. Know why?

Look around. The whole place is always covered in mirrors. That's because they don't actually make their money off the food. Behind all of those mirrors are Chinese people who have paid good money to watch your dumb ass try to eat rice with two sticks. They are back there wolfing down Lo Mein (#44) with forks, and laughing at you!!

So now you know. Tim Geithner is doing the best he can on one front, but it is up to us, everyday Americans, to fight the good fight as well. Go out there! Order by name! Compare the way each restaurant pronounces the food's names! Ask what is in each dish! Look for the white boy waiter! And for America's Sake:

USE A FORK!!

Common Courtesy, Voice-Mail, and the Return Call

I was walking through the Library with a friend the other day, and we realized something amazing: In a country/society that is becoming increasingly overrun by the Ugg-boot-wearing loud cell-phone talking youths and the Get-Out-of-My-Way-I'm-Shopping mall-crawling bastards, people still respect the library. So odd to be in a busy building, and see signs that say "No Cellphones" and watch people turn them off. It points out that we still have a chance to stop the slide down the slope towards a Harlan Ellison short story. "If This Goes On..."

I remember when I would run into the store to pick up a bag of dog food, and the people with the full basket would let me go ahead of them, because "You only have the one thing." I still do this. But most of the time, nowadays, approaching the checkout stand feels like "Joust," and I'm not cut-throat enough to knock those knights off of their flying ostriches. I get on the city bus, and see the elderly man, standing in front of a row of people in the "Please Vacate These Seats for the Elderly." Doors slam in our faces, parking places get stolen, Baristas are stepped on so some loser can for a brief moment feel superior, the spiral of negativity flies out of control. Horns honk, profanity is yelled out loud around young children, "May I please" becomes "I want." The worst part is that it's always one small thing. No giant leap into the maw, just a nip here, nip there.

The most recent victim of this trend is phone etiquette. Today, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. They left the following message: "I'm sorry, I dialed the wrong number." This made my day. This was a person who knew that nobody leaves messages anymore, so they would probably be able to expect the following phone call from me: "Hi, someone just called me from there?" When did it become okay not to leave a message? Why has a whole dialogue developed for returning a phone call? I don't want to call you back if you were just calling to say "Hi!" Leave me a message that says "Hi!" and we'll both be happy. Or hey, text me! Either way, it saves us a lot of time on the "Hey you called?" "I did? oh, that's right." "So What's up?" "Nothing." GAAAAAA!! Give me back my life!

And then there's the return phone call. I don't mean when I leave you a message. Believe me, I understand, if we are friends, that life can interfere. I'm talking about the 22 interiews I've had for various jobs. Every single one ended with "Great, we'll contact you in the next few days with next steps. If you have any questions, feel free to call me." Every single one: NO WORD. Now, please understand, these were companies that were considering me because they want to "improve customer service." Hey, here's free idea number one: If I call and check in, return my call. I'd rather hear "We're moving forward with other applicants" than be in limbo, unsure if I should plan that vacation, because hey, what if I need to start working? It's courtesy. That's why "Customer Service" used to be called "Courtesy Service." Wondering why your company is struggling? You have not learned to see everyone as a potential customer.

Maybe you should all study the library. The one in Downtown Seattle is beautiful.

My Seven Things

1. I was Valedictorian of my high school. I got made fun of a lot in College about this, because my graduating class had only twelve people in it. My argument has always been that since smaller student/teacher ratios have been shown to increase the quality of education received, it should have MORE weight. Anyone can sit in the front row of a lecture hall and fake their way to a 4.0 GPA in a public school. In a college preparatory school with an emphasis on research, writing and science, the challenge is much greater. In fact, the BOTTOM person in my class graduated with a 3.5.

2. I can't stand when someone gets the newspaper out of order. Newspapers are published with partial stories, that continue further in. I don't want to spend my first cup of coffee trying to figure out where you put page A6, I want it to be between A5 and A7. Newspapers are also laid out so that after all of the bad news that they plaster all over the early pages, you make it to the "lighter" sections, such as Arts and Entertainment and the Comics (which, BTW, I refuse to call the "funnies," since they haven't made me laugh out loud since the last time I voted for Bill and Opus). I also find that reading the entire paper in order helps to set my mind up for the challenge of the crossword.

The only exception to this neurosis is the USA Today, because it is sort of the sit-com of daily news: no matter what order you take it in, it's still fluffy, flashy and entertainment, with research and consistency gaps comparable to a season of "Friday Night Lights." And the crossword in USA Today is almost as challenging as the word-find in the back of a Highlights Magazine.

3. I believe that I know the exact date of my death. I don't know why this is. It is nothing as cool as an Owen Meany-type vision. I have just always had this date pegged. I don't even know how it will happen, and it might even be wrong, but it has led to a very Zen feeling regarding things like healthy eating and smoking. It is admittedly possible that I use this date as an internal justification for chasing my fried pork chops with cheap beer or whiskey, and then following the whole thing up with a delicious cigarette. However, as this is a fact that I have held close for as long as I remember, I tend to think not.

4. My dreams are fully developed movies. When there is a flaw in the plot, it wakes me up. A weird side effect of this is that I have nightmares, but they don't really scare me that much most of the time. When they do, I know how to wake myself up. I can usually tell I'm dreaming, and am even an "outside observer" to most of the action. Here's an example (for you script-writers looking for a film). I dreamt about a guy who checks into a hotel, and chats briefly with the hotel manager. He then goes up to his room. He returns shortly thereafter to find the manager dead, and blood splashed all over the lobby. He calls the police, and they review the security tapes and see him doing it! However, they never see him leave his room in the hall cameras. As he is talking with the police, they receive a 911 call. Another murder has been committed, and the video shows the guy doing it during the exact time he was talking to the police. He figures it out, twin brother blah blah blah (I almost woke up here), anyway, after much chasing and suspense, he tracks his brother into a small town in the desert. From a distance, the town looks strange. As he approaches, he realizes that there are people nailed to every light post, and every single one of them is wearing a mask made from a photograph of his face. You get the idea. The weird thing is, this wasn't scary. Okay, actually the weird thing is that I have serial killer dreams. I can admit that.

5. I have broken all of my toes except the big one on my left foot. How I managed to avoid that one, I don't know. But I am the acknowledged king of "wear a stiff shoe" as a cure.

6. I have read the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching, and The Book of Mormon. I don't really have much of a comment on that, except to say that if you get a chance to read all of them, do so. It is really life-changing, not in a religious way, but in the way it makes you view the people who base their whole lives on these documents.

7. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that any relationship can be made to work, if both parties are willing to put in effort. Contrary to what many others believe, I think that people CAN change. The question is if they want to. I still refer to my ex-wife as "my wife" because I am having a hard time accepting that we could not have made it work. I was willing to do whatever I needed to. The trouble is, she wasn't. I am getting better about this, and am looking forward to being with someone who agrees that no problem is so big we can't beat it. Of course, it helps that I am not an abusive alcoholic.