The Chinese Invasion

So Timothy Geithner has said that he is going to be tougher with China, accusing them of manipulating their money valuation in order to increase the American debt. That's a beautiful thing. Because the thing is, the Chinese are not just manipulating us through money, they are after us in many other ways.

First of all, nobody actually speaks Chinese. I know they pretend, but that's just when we are around. When you go to a restaurant, that little old lady that waits on you actually speaks English with a Brooklyn accent. Making you order by number is just because they don't actually know how to pronounce it either.

Another thing: Why do they all assume we know what the shit on their menu is? I still don't know what General Tso's Chicken (Number 5) is. Know why? NOBODY describes it on the menu. And I am not about to order it, and discover that General Tso's Chicken means Fricaseed Rat.

Does anyone even know what good Chinese is? Everyone in New York says theirs is the best, in California you "Can't get good chinese." We base our ssumption on the people working there, with their fake-ass accents. If you walked in, and I was serving you, I could have a 96-year-old grandmother cooking in the back, and you'd say it was "not real chinese." But if she and I traded places, I could urinate in a vat of rice and you'd call it "Authentic." And who knows, maybe it is. Maybe that's what "House Special Rice" is. You know, number 27.

Finally, the weirdest part of their slow takeover of our country: Have you ever been in a town that didn't have a chinese restaurant? No matter how small it is. Chaffee, Missourri, has 500 people. A coffeeshop, Gas Station, Market, and Chinese Restaurant. Really? And they are never full. Walk into any Chinese Restaurant anytime day or night, and at most, it is half-full. Know why?

Look around. The whole place is always covered in mirrors. That's because they don't actually make their money off the food. Behind all of those mirrors are Chinese people who have paid good money to watch your dumb ass try to eat rice with two sticks. They are back there wolfing down Lo Mein (#44) with forks, and laughing at you!!

So now you know. Tim Geithner is doing the best he can on one front, but it is up to us, everyday Americans, to fight the good fight as well. Go out there! Order by name! Compare the way each restaurant pronounces the food's names! Ask what is in each dish! Look for the white boy waiter! And for America's Sake:

USE A FORK!!