My Seven Things

1. I was Valedictorian of my high school. I got made fun of a lot in College about this, because my graduating class had only twelve people in it. My argument has always been that since smaller student/teacher ratios have been shown to increase the quality of education received, it should have MORE weight. Anyone can sit in the front row of a lecture hall and fake their way to a 4.0 GPA in a public school. In a college preparatory school with an emphasis on research, writing and science, the challenge is much greater. In fact, the BOTTOM person in my class graduated with a 3.5.

2. I can't stand when someone gets the newspaper out of order. Newspapers are published with partial stories, that continue further in. I don't want to spend my first cup of coffee trying to figure out where you put page A6, I want it to be between A5 and A7. Newspapers are also laid out so that after all of the bad news that they plaster all over the early pages, you make it to the "lighter" sections, such as Arts and Entertainment and the Comics (which, BTW, I refuse to call the "funnies," since they haven't made me laugh out loud since the last time I voted for Bill and Opus). I also find that reading the entire paper in order helps to set my mind up for the challenge of the crossword.

The only exception to this neurosis is the USA Today, because it is sort of the sit-com of daily news: no matter what order you take it in, it's still fluffy, flashy and entertainment, with research and consistency gaps comparable to a season of "Friday Night Lights." And the crossword in USA Today is almost as challenging as the word-find in the back of a Highlights Magazine.

3. I believe that I know the exact date of my death. I don't know why this is. It is nothing as cool as an Owen Meany-type vision. I have just always had this date pegged. I don't even know how it will happen, and it might even be wrong, but it has led to a very Zen feeling regarding things like healthy eating and smoking. It is admittedly possible that I use this date as an internal justification for chasing my fried pork chops with cheap beer or whiskey, and then following the whole thing up with a delicious cigarette. However, as this is a fact that I have held close for as long as I remember, I tend to think not.

4. My dreams are fully developed movies. When there is a flaw in the plot, it wakes me up. A weird side effect of this is that I have nightmares, but they don't really scare me that much most of the time. When they do, I know how to wake myself up. I can usually tell I'm dreaming, and am even an "outside observer" to most of the action. Here's an example (for you script-writers looking for a film). I dreamt about a guy who checks into a hotel, and chats briefly with the hotel manager. He then goes up to his room. He returns shortly thereafter to find the manager dead, and blood splashed all over the lobby. He calls the police, and they review the security tapes and see him doing it! However, they never see him leave his room in the hall cameras. As he is talking with the police, they receive a 911 call. Another murder has been committed, and the video shows the guy doing it during the exact time he was talking to the police. He figures it out, twin brother blah blah blah (I almost woke up here), anyway, after much chasing and suspense, he tracks his brother into a small town in the desert. From a distance, the town looks strange. As he approaches, he realizes that there are people nailed to every light post, and every single one of them is wearing a mask made from a photograph of his face. You get the idea. The weird thing is, this wasn't scary. Okay, actually the weird thing is that I have serial killer dreams. I can admit that.

5. I have broken all of my toes except the big one on my left foot. How I managed to avoid that one, I don't know. But I am the acknowledged king of "wear a stiff shoe" as a cure.

6. I have read the Bible, the Koran, the Tao Te Ching, and The Book of Mormon. I don't really have much of a comment on that, except to say that if you get a chance to read all of them, do so. It is really life-changing, not in a religious way, but in the way it makes you view the people who base their whole lives on these documents.

7. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that any relationship can be made to work, if both parties are willing to put in effort. Contrary to what many others believe, I think that people CAN change. The question is if they want to. I still refer to my ex-wife as "my wife" because I am having a hard time accepting that we could not have made it work. I was willing to do whatever I needed to. The trouble is, she wasn't. I am getting better about this, and am looking forward to being with someone who agrees that no problem is so big we can't beat it. Of course, it helps that I am not an abusive alcoholic.